September 11th, 2001

Reading this so many years later I recall how these words just poured out

September 15, 2001

I woke up a tad later than normal, about 7:15. My spirit was the lowest it had ever been for the most extended period of time in my memory. Waking up was actually painful since it meant another day to face. I don’t remember the last day that I didn’t shed a tear. Until Tuesday 9-11-01 On that day I was numb and couldn't cry and believe me I wish I could have cried.

I make coffee, feed the girls turn on the TV and…no it couldn’t be. A movie, a joke or was it real? The World Trade Center…in what country, no it can’t be possible. Staring stunned, incomprehensible it just can’t be true. Terrorists, planes, hijacked just all seemed like words just words not reality.

It took about twenty minutes to begin to put the pieces together. Four planes were hijacked. Two flew directly into the World Trade Center. First one then twenty minutes later came the second. A third flew into the Pentagon and a fourth crashed in Pittsburgh for some reason missing its target. Throughout the day the stories were told.

Over 5,000 dead or as they still put it five days later 5,000 people “missing” but will they be found? In one piece or many, they are now requesting hairbrushes, toothbrushes or used utensils so that DNA can be used to identify people. It’s beyond what one can digest so we all sit and stare at our TV’s without much being able to pry us away. Everything seems trivial when you have seen and heard stories of people jumping from windows. To die in the flames or by crashing to the ground, neither seems like an option any human should have to choose between.

Even as I sit here five days later, it still is just completely beyond anything one could imagine. I must have seen the footage of those planes flying into those buildings 100 times but still it seems so unreal. But I digress….

Not too long after the World Trade Center buildings were flown into…the words still shock me as I write them….the Pentagon was hit. They say now that the mission was to hit the White house or Air force One and it missed. The one that crashed is said to be a case where the passengers to overtake the terrorists and somehow got the plane to crash rather than hit another site. This information all came from people in the planes calling loved ones from their cell phones.

Details, details you can read those in the history books. Life as we know it will never be the same.

Tuesday I was just in a daze. We closed the office and then one by one we saw on the news that buildings and communities were just shutting down, evacuating. Who knew what would be the next target. It seemed like the longest day, just never ending and feeling as if it would go on forever. Waking up on Wednesday was waking up to a nightmare. It was true; it did happen it was real. Then the tears began and haven’t stopped since. Watching the family members search in vain for their loved ones. See the pain on their faces, hear the stories. It’s just impossible to accept. I went to the gym on Wednesday morning. I guess half believing that if I acted like everything was okay – it would be. I think I also was starved for a connection to another human being. How, with all that has happened can I possibly feel sorry for myself absolutely amazes me…but I do. The loneliness becomes more acute when disaster hits. Everyone is seeking the connection to their loved ones and I had no one to comfort or was there someone to comfort me.

September 16, 2001
It’s Sunday night and I realized two very odd things happened yesterday. It was the first day since the attack that I heard planes fly above and commercials were back in TV. Up until yesterday it was just 24/7 news regarding the devastation from every approach. No weather, no sports no other news except what was related to the tragedy. Tonight is the first time I have watched TV that wasn’t related to crisis. At 9:00, after Dateline came Law and Order. It seemed fitting to have the first show I watched to be based in NY and see the skyline as it once was.